my sisters under your porch take her home
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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