I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
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I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
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I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.