Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.