Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.