I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
