There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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