My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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