Cold hands, warm shart.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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