I wish I could punch you in the face.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
