Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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