why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
