On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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