I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
