I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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