five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
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The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
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I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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