when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
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My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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