is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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