I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
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did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
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Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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