why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
