After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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