If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
