i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
