Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
