Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
