Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
