true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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