i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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