dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
