I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
