I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
