Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
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I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
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Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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