is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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