That's when you crack a 10am beer
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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