Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
