He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
