I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
