his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
