I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
and you fell through a lawn chair
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
