So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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