Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
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I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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