I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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