it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize