how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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