i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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