Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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