i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sext me about skeletons
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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