Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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