my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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