My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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