??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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