I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
