I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
