i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
