After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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