There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
