So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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